“Tea for this man’s breasts! Anything else, sir?”

I know I have rambled on prior to this about my problems with my body. Well, just hang on a minute, we aren’t done yet! We have yet to discuss the feet.

Feet. I can’t say that word without my upper lip curling up. One of God’s most marvelous and hideous creations all at the same time. Ah, but you say sheepishly “but my feet look okay” as you twist them about from the sofa footrest. Yeah, I paint up my toenails. I wore rings on my toes long before it was popular. I’ve tried whoring them up for years, to no avail. Well, you go right ahead and think yours are pretty Sugar, but just don’t ask the lady that does your pedicure to be honest with you.

Speaking of pedicures, what kind of level of hell must you put yourself in to touch people’s feet all day? God knows where they’ve been! At least in our time you have a better idea that they may at least have the semblance of clean. Most body parts were disgusting in the “time before regular bathing”, but feet… I just shivered thinking about the mud, feces (of all species), and fungus that must have decorated the feet of our ancestors.

Thank God for the invention of the shoe. A place to protect those necessary planks of flesh from the everyday hazards of life. Once mostly provided to soldiers, and aristocrats there came the two uses of shoes, utilitarian and art. The Japanese took the hatred of the female foot to a whole new level. They can try and tell me it was for beauty that they bound the feet of young girls, but I think it had more to do with power and sexual fetishes (shiver).

I may be biased toward the lack of beauty of the foot. I was allocated a couple of flat, long, narrow slabs of flesh with caterpillars wiggling from the front of them and asked to call them “feet”. I wear size 12 shoes. When I was younger they were 12AA. You can breathe now. I am used to sucking the air out of a room when I give my shoe size. My feet have always been larger than normal, but they did stop growing in eighth grade. Yep, that’s right folks, I had size 12 feet in eighth grade. I didn’t need a personal space zone, I just kept you at the end of my foot!

That’s right folks, don’t be jealous. These babies to the left here were my shoes in eighth grade. Kelso Earth shoes. My Mom told me that they were good leather and would last for years (can you hear the echo? years…years….years). I must say they were better than the Buster Brown oxfords with the steel arch supports I had earlier in life. The thing I could never figure out was why I needed steel arch supports (yeah, they were as comfortable as they sound) when I didn’t have arches.  My feet sounded like a duck when I walked in shallow water and the imprint was the same as well. The only time I thought my feet looked ok was when I was in bell bottoms and you could only see the toes of my shoes.

I have worn many ugly shoes because there were no alternatives for my size. Then one day, there were shoes, attractive ones even, appearing on shelves and websites for my size and even larger! What kind of shift in the evolutionary process could account for this sudden increase of options? Transvestites.

God love them all. From the $20 trick on the boulevard to “Executive Transvestites” like Eddie Izzard they all have one thing in common. Well, maybe more than one, but they all wear SHOES! The more transvestites and transexuals became acclimated into our society, the more shoe options I have! Now here is the rub. Girls, we need to talk about what kinds of shoes we need to have out there for ALL of us!

Now, we all know that almost everyone would give their second caterpillar for a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes, but we all can’t wear them! I have been relegated too close to the ground for too many years to be able to balance on those things. I like to call them “in the air” shoes. Hold them up high so you can admire them during boring sex.

You may say I’m not correct about the reason for this societal shift, but I believe the only reason things could move this fast is because men are behind it. How many things have women come up with and fought to obtain for many years to have a man decide “hey, that’s a good idea I’ve come up with” and it become written in stone!!!!

What I need now is for you readers to spread the word to your friends and colleagues that may be either openly or closeted transvestites. The words are “cute flats”. Really, I need cute flats. Ones with realistic toe boxes and a space for the widest part of your foot that is true to human dimensions. Oh, while you are at it, no more damn kitten heels. Why don’t you just put a pebble under my shoe and ask me to fall down? Really, I do fall down in kitten heels. I may have even killed a kitten once that way. Balance is not my forte.

The worst was when I was planning our wedding. I had a dress, I had the jewelry, I had the boa constrictor that would keep me in the dress and all the crinoline necessary. What I didn’t have were shoes. I found a pair of cream colored, pointed toed flats with a great buckle on them in a catalog. I called to order them and they were out. They didn’t know when or if they would get them again. I could see the name on the instep of the shoe in the catalog. I did some sleuthing, called the company in New York, I’m sure they still have my name written on the “crazy” list, and the catalog company called me and they got more shoes in stock! Hmm…wonder why. They came in the mail. I was so excited! I gingerly unwrapped them and slipped them on my feet like I was Cinderella. They were hideous! My feet looked nine feet long and I practically tripped over the pointed toe because it had to be so long! I sent them back.

I found a pair of  cream colored pumps.  Not too excited about them, but they looked better than the second pair of flats I found (red, pointed toe, buckle..I know.). I also purchased a pair of leather ballet slippers in case I didn’t want to wear the shoes all night long. We got the pictures taken before the wedding. I wore the heels and my feet were killing me. We got to the wedding hall and I put the ballet slippers on. I hated them. They were very uncomfortable. I got married barefoot. My bridesmaids took off their shoes as well. I guess no one was surprised when they found out I had done that. Most people that really know me, know I hate shoes.